- I am a mass communicator by birth as the eighth of nine children in a patchwork, boisterous family. My father went to war in Vietnam and my stepfather went to Columbia as a missionary, but neither went to college. So, we grew up poor in our double-wide near Seattle, four boys to a bedroom and five girls all crimping their hair around the bathroom mirror. That left me with hand-me-down clothes, lukewarm bath water, and my saving grace: a free public education.
- My family always encouraged me in my educational pursuits. When courts, jail time and drama tore us all apart, I kept my grades up and my mom put on a smile for me. I pushed through to become my high school’s student body president, a competitor at the national speech and debate championships, an athlete and an Eagle Scout. My scholastic effort earned me a four-year academic scholarship to a private university where I earned a Bachelor of Arts in Advertising and Marketing Communications and a minor in Advertising Design. Now, my family celebrates my determination to be the first in my family to receive a doctoral degree.
- Since my paper route when I was eleven years old, I have held a job of some sort. College was no exception. Every morning for the four years, I worked from eight to noon at what I call my “second education.” The twenty hours I spent each week fixing computer hardware and software not only helped me be financially self-sufficient, but also afforded me the continuing opportunity to stay abreast of the newest communication technologies and put them to immediate use at work and in class.
- My experience as a professional comedian during and after college has taught me how to adapt humor to diverse audiences, an understanding with considerable benefit to my ability to endear audiences to my messages in a variety of media. Moreover, the countless workshops I have held for budding comedians have reinforced my affinity for the role of teacher and honed my presentation skills. It is my goal to become a university professor and I feel that my performing experience will give me an advantage as I try to teach and connect with students.
- Volunteerism is a permanent ingredient of my life. Through church and community, I donate many hours of service each week. Between high school and college, I lived abroad in rural Brazil for two years as a missionary. Visiting with people in their homes gave me an appreciation for the advanced communications technologies we enjoy in the United States. At times, the only way to deliver an important message was a long walk under a solzão, a big sun, or beneath a chuva brava, an angry rain. I learned to rejoice in the ease of receiving a phone call, the dependability of a trusted postal system, and the simple, powerful gift of education and literacy.
- A byproduct of my service in Brazil is Portuguese fluency, which allows me to understand not only Brazil’s tongue and traditions, but much of South American and romantic European language and culture as well. I look forward to continually applying to my studies and research the many practical lessons I have learned through my volunteerism, including an intimate comprehension of the sheer joy of selfless giving.
Achievements v1
Posted at 9:40 am on Wednesday, December 30th, 2009
Words: 552 • Gunning-Fog: 16.0, Flesch-Kincaid: 12.5 • Readability (Flesch): 46/100
Very personal and inspirational, I like it. This hits on all the big points they mention in the requirements (economic challanges, varied life experiences, fluency in other languages, serving disadvantaged populations) which should make you a strong candidate.
P1: Is “Columbia” supposed to be “Colombia”? I like the overall flow here, but I don’t know if I follow the cause and effect from sentence 2 to 3 (unless maybe you mean “neither went to college” => “poor”).
P2: I wonder if you can reword this to avoid the ”my family … my family” in the last sentence.
P3: The second sentence makes it sound like college was your job. I’d suggest revising the beginning of this paragraph to be more clear.
P4: Should “performing experience” be “performance experience”? I would revise the last sentence… the “try to” feels like you’re likely to fail — maybe use something like, “…experience will help me teach and connect with students.”
P5: “permanent ingredient” sounds odd to me; “permanent fixture” is what I would use. “simple powerful gift” should probably be plural “…gifts” since it is referring to 2 things.
P6: I would cut one of studies/research from “my studies and research” to tighten up that sentence a bit.
Thanks for your edits, Brian. I used them in the nick of time for my deadline. I posted the final version here.
That’s a wrap! Can’t say thanks enough for all of your input. I’ll let you know how things turn out in a few months.
-Hits all the requirements for the essay
- P1: The comment about the fathers is out of place. Must it be known that they were in Vietnam and Colombia? Good to mention their limited education. (similar comment as BR)
- P2: Might want to clarify that the “jail time” wasn’t your imprisonment. Or was it?
-P2: The sentence ” Now, my family celebrates my determination to be the first in my family to receive a doctoral degree,” could that be reworded so family doesn’t appear twice in the same phrase? (same comment as BR))
-P3: Reword beginning (same concern as comment by BR)
-P3: Might want to use a more specific phrase like “work experience” or something similar in place of the vague word “opportunity”.
- P4: Unclear meaning and awkward phrasing last half of the sentence “…an understanding with considerable benefit to my ability to endear audiences to my messages in a variety of media.”
-P6: I agree with BR about cutting studies/research. I say, include “reseach” since this is graduate work.
This is a bit different from grading 7th grade poems. :)
Jill, I had just enough time to squeeze in most of your edits. Thanks a ton for contributing from the other side of the country! I posted the final version here.
Thanks again!